The ABC's of Inclusive Language: J is for Just Joking
Dave Chappelle Photo by Mathieu Bitton/Netflix
“…and it was all thanks to the Kung Flu!” Lauren finished her story and laughed.
Mei sat up in surprise. She paused, took a deep breath, and said,
“You know, Lauren? It isn’t ok to say ‘the Kung Flu.’ It’s actually pretty racist.”
Lauren frowned and crossed her arms. “Jeez, Mei, I’m just joking. There’s nothing wrong with making Kung Flu jokes. Lighten up, you know? You don’t have to be so sensitive all the time.”
Lauren was joking. But was she “just joking”?
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“Just joking” is a common way people deflect criticism for something they’ve said.
That something might be an expression of bias, like “the Kung Flu.”
Or it might be making fun of someone’s haircut, or height, or the car they drive.
When someone like Mei points out that someone like Lauren has said something that crosses a line, that’s inappropriate in some way, “just joking” is one defense tactic.
It suggests that because there is a humorous framing, nothing is inappropriate.
So if someone says there’s a problem, it’s actually *their* problem. They’re “oversensitive.” They need to “lighten up.”
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This logic fits right in with a common defense tactic used by people who say and do abusive or inappropriate things: DARVO.
DARVO stands for
Deny
Argue
Reverse Victim and Offender.
🛑 Deny:
“I’m just joking.”
I didn’t do anything wrong. When you’re joking, everything is appropriate, and nothing can be seen as a problem.
🛑 Argue:
“There’s nothing wrong with making Kung Flu jokes.”
I refuse to accept your critical feedback. I am right, and you are wrong.
🛑 Reverse Victim and Offender
“Lighten up, you know? You don’t have to be so sensitive all the time.”
Why are you attacking me? The problem here is you. I’m just fine, and the things I say are just fine, and here you are attacking me.
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In my research on bias and my anti-bias work with clients, I see DARVO responses *all the time.*
What’s especially interesting to me is that DARVO was originally used to describe the behavior of sexual offenders. And it's commonly used in discussions of psychological abusers and narcissists.
That’s right.
The same tactics that show up as “just joking” and “lighten up” in defense of things like racist jokes are used by rapists and abusers to defend their actions.
Let that one sit with you for a while.
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Saying harmful things and claiming it’s ok because you’re just joking?
That’s not inclusive language.
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