Game theory
Have you ever tried to explain why words matter and felt your explanations falling short? Been frustrated because your arguments just weren’t landing?
I’ve got something that might help — game theory.
Linguists have been applying game theory to human communication for decades. It’s a handy way to analyze what’s going on when people are interacting.
For example, we can look at a conversation like it’s a two-player game.
Each conversational turn is like your turn in a game.
And every time you say something, you are faced with a “decision problem.” You have to choose from multiple possible actions.
Game theory says that you should choose the action that is most likely to bring a positive outcome.
But because you have limited information about the “true state of the world,” you can’t be certain which action will bring the best outcomes. This puts you at risk.
Your best option is to minimize your risk of a negative outcome whenever possible. And to maximize your chances of a positive outcome.
When it comes to language, this means optimizing your word choice. And choosing language that minimizes risk because it is designed to land well with as many people as possible.
Photo by Maarten van den Heuvel (via Unsplash)
Let’s look at how this might play out in a conversation.
Chris is a sales rep and having his first conversation with a prospect, a man named Marc. It’s late December and they’re speaking English.
As is common for sales, Chris’s goal is to quickly develop a relationship of trust. To have Marc feel like Chris truly gets where he is coming from, understands his needs, and will work with him to solve the problem at hand.
So Chris is instinctively going to try and only say things that move the conversation towards his goals. To only say things that create a bond.
Chris sees that Marc is wearing a wedding ring and that he also is carrying a shopping bag from an expensive and niche coffee place. So he decides to bond over coffee. Coffee is safe and something people like to talk about, right?
Chris says,
“I see you’re bringing home [coffee brand]. Are you and your wife really into coffee? Are you buying her nice coffee stuff for Christmas? Last Christmas, I got my wife a fancy espresso machine and she’s been loving it all year.”
In terms of game theory, how did this go? How did Chris’s decisions move him towards or away from a positive outcome?
Chris has only just met Marc, so he has limited information on the “true state of the world” when it comes to his life. With this limited information, Chris has made two assumptions about Marc that are probably true, but not necessarily true.
Assumption 1: Marc is currently married to a woman.
Assumption 2: Marc celebrates Christmas.
Now, where Chris lives, the majority of married people are straight. So chances are good that Marc is indeed married to a woman.
And where Chris lives, the majority of people are Christian. So chances are good that Marc is Christian and celebrates Christmas.
But has Chris minimized risk? Has he optimized his language?
He has not.
[At this point, it might be interesting to pause and ask yourself — if I was in Chris’s shoes and wanted to bond with this prospect over coffee, what would *I* have said that would keep my language optimized?]
Photo by Dave Photoz (via Unsplash)
Here are the two big issues:
1. Marc may be married to a man or to a non-binary person. Or he might be a recent widower who hasn’t removed his ring yet.
2. Marc may not be Christian. ˙
Chris made a real gamble. Odds were in his favor. But even if Chris had only a 10% chance of being wrong, once he made the incorrect choice then he wouldn’t only 10% wrong.
He would be 100% wrong.
And his words might end up offending and alienating Marc instead of creating a bond and building trust.
Let’s say that Marc is Christian and married to a woman. Chris’s words will be unremarkable and will probably have the desired effect of creating a bond over coffee.
But, let’s say that Marc is both Jewish and gay. He’s bringing coffee home to his husband, not a wife. And it’s not a Christmas gift.
In this case, Marc might think, “This guy doesn’t really see me. Did he forget that gay people exist? And that Jews and Muslims and Hindus and Buddhists exist? What else is this person missing when it comes to the realities of the world? What else does he not get?”
And that sales deal may be over before it even really began.
The same risks hold true for other kinds of interactions. You may alienate and offend a colleague reading your email, a report who is meeting with you, the employees listening to your speech, a job candidate interviewing with you, a hiring manager considering your candidacy, the person reading or watching your ad, the date trying to decide if they want to continue seeing you, and more.
Using updated, strategic, and inclusive language is the best possible way to minimize risk in your interactions.
Instead of rolling the dice and hoping that the odds are in your favor, you can modernize your word choices so that your risk levels go down to almost nothing.
Words matter.
You can’t know everything about everybody, especially when it comes to large and mixed audiences or people you have just met.
But you can gamify your language and create a modern vocabulary and set of language moves that are designed to bring you the best possible outcomes.
I have stories where in less than 10 seconds, just one or two problematic word choices ended a business relationship that was months in the making. Sometimes at a cost of millions of dollars.
Why take that risk when it takes just a little planning and effort to do better?
Industry-leading language expert Suzanne Wertheim facilitates in-person and virtual trainings, as well as offering empowering and educational keynotes.