Let’s Talk Inclusive Language — The “flavor“ of grooming

A client in the tech sector reached out with a question.

“Like many tech departments, we’ve been using the phrase backlog grooming to describe refining and tidying up our work queue. But lately it feels like it’s acquired some unsavory and socio-politically charged associations. We’ve heard from an Agile coach that we should move to refinement instead. What do you think? Should we put in the effort to make the shift?”

My brief answer is: 100% yes. Move away from grooming to refinement, or another technologically appropriate term, if there’s one that works better.

In these articles, and to a greater extent in my book, I have talked about the idea of a word’s flavor.

This is a concept that comes from the 20th century Russian scholar Mikhail Bakhtin. He realized that dictionaries only gave us part of the picture when it came to how we felt and processed words.

That, in fact, a word (and I’ll update here to include a sign in sign languages) has a distinct flavor. Each time we encounter a word or sign, it “tastes” of the context in which we’re encountering it.

The person saying or writing it. Our relationship with them. How they feel about what they’re saying. How they feel about us. And a whole lot more.

So over the course of our lifetimes, a word will develop a complex, and sometimes shifting, flavor.

What’s going on with the flavor of grooming here in the US?

In a less political context, there has been a growing awareness of and lots of discussion on the internet about the grooming of younger people by older people. With young people sharing their experiences and warning others of the danger signs. This comes under the rubric of “knowledge is power.”

The general outlines are that the older person, who has usually has more power (either because they are in a position of power or just because they have more access to resources), will build a relationship of trust and emotional connection with someone younger. Sometimes the younger person is a child or teen, and sometimes a bit older.

But the friendly relationship isn’t the goal — instead, the goal is to get the younger person in a position where they can be abused or exploited. Usually sexually. In fact, the term grooming has its roots in studies of and descriptions of sexual abuse.

In my time in academia (including as a student), I heard a few stories of professors grooming their students — sometimes undergrads, sometimes grad students. They would start with invites to lunch, or special office hours to dive deep into papers, and compliments about how special they were. And then, if the bait was taken, the end result was a sexual relationship. Which many people don’t see as genuinely consensual because of the power asymmetry involved.

As I write this column, the internet is abuzz with news of comedian Dane Cook, age 51, marrying his “long-time partner” Kelsi Taylor, 24. How long-time? The press releases said 6 years, meaning he was 45 and she was 18 when their relationship began. But many people suspect that their relationship began when she was still a minor. And the word grooming has been invoked quite a bit.

In a more political context, extremist voices have taken up the idea of grooming to manufacture fear of and violence against members of the LGBTQ+ community.

The discourse coming from the far right, including white Christian nationalists, falsely claims that LGBTQ+ people — in particular, gay men, drag queens, and transgender people — are groomers.

That they are pedophiles. And that they are a danger to the nation’s children.

This is the ostensible reason why so many drag queen reading hours at children’s libraries have come under attack and shut down. The claim is that the gay men dressing in drag and reading children’s books in an animated way are actually dangerous. And their goal is not to entertain and amuse, but to groom and abuse.

And this is the ostensible reason why people have taken up arms (sometimes literally) to defend bathrooms from being gender inclusive. Falsely claiming that transgender people are predators, and a danger to their children.

This falls under the rubric of “defamation” and “hate speech.” And sometimes is linked with stochastic terrorism, which uses dehumanization and disgust to push people into violence.

Just to be absolutely clear: there is no correlation between being LGBTQ+ and being a pedophile. In fact, the majority of people who sexually abuse children see themselves as heterosexual.

The increased awareness of grooming as a mechanism of sexual abuse, along with the rise in discussions of this kind of grooming on the internet, is already enough to change the flavor of grooming to a term best avoided when describing work activity.

The dehumanizing, hate-filled, and false use of the term by extremists is icing on the cake.

So, two takeaways this month:

Any time a word acquires a sexualized flavor, it’s probably a good idea to retire it from the workplace.
Be on the lookout for hate speech and false accusations of LGBTQ+ people. At particular risk are transgender youth. It’s our job to protect them and keep them safe.

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Let's Talk Inclusive Language: The “flavor” of grooming

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Let's Talk Inclusive Language: The “flavor” of grooming

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READ, WATCH, LISTEN
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