Let's Talk Inclusive Language: “They Just Want To Be Coddled”

Here’s a question from a reader:

“My boyfriend was reading the news and saw something about Mother’s Day email opt-outs and he laughed. He said he thinks those people are ridiculous. He said ‘they just want to be coddled.’ He said they need to grow up.

I can’t find convincing words to explain to him why I disagree. Help!”

Hi, reader! I think your boyfriend is suffering from something I see a lot in my line of work: EDD (Empathy Deficit Disorder).

Because something isn’t painful, difficult, or unfair for him, he doesn’t really care if it is painful, difficult, or unfair for somebody else.

Let’s use some linguistic anthropology to get some insights into what’s going on here.

First, let’s look at why Mother’s Day isn’t the universally happy-making holiday that so many ads and articles make it out to be. (Both here in the US and in other places where Mother’s Day is celebrated.) I use Mother’s Day as an example in most of my inclusive language workshops, and also in my book.

Long story short, people tend to use pronouns like you and we in sloppy and inaccurate ways.

They’ll write sentences like:

“We all honor our mothers this Mother’s Day.” And,

“Wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day.”

These pronouns are being used like everyone reading the sentence is included. But they aren’t – the only people included are 1) people who want to honor their mothers or 2) people who are themselves mothers.

This may be the majority of readers. But not everybody finds Mother’s Day a day of celebration.

Content warning that I’m going to say some potentially painful things about parental status and family status.

Some people want to be mothers but aren’t and it is incredibly painful for them – they’ve had fertility issues or miscarriages or stillbirths. Or their child has died. And some people have chosen to be child free.

And when it comes to language that suggests that everyone should honor their mother on Mother’s Day… Well, some people were raised without a mother —they might have two dads or have been raised by their grandparents or aged out of foster care.

Some people were raised by abusive mothers and have cut contact. Some people would love to send a card or buy flowers or whatever the company is prompting them to do, but their mothers have recently died.

So, when companies send out messages that say things like, “We all honor our mothers” or retail staff are guided to say “Wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day” to all people who seem to be female and old enough to be mothers, they may be causing all kinds of pain.

Now let’s look at why coddle isn’t a great word. And to do that we will use our old friend, semantic frames.

As a reminder (and for new readers), a semantic frame sets us up to relate a word to the world. Especially for verbs, the frame can set up a whole scenario, like a tiny play. This tiny play tells us how to interpret what’s going on.

What’s the scenario for coddle? When we coddle someone, we treat them in an indulgent or overprotective way. Our actions are excessive, and in the end not good for the person being coddled.

See all that negative judgment built in?

By contrast, instead of coddle we could say help avoid further injury. Same action, different interpretation.

Here, we know a person is injured, and that they need additional care to make sure they don’t injure themselves further.

Note that help avoid further injury follows Principle 6 of Inclusive Language, Recognize pain points.

I was hanging out with a young relative recently, let’s call her Jess. She had sprained her ankle the day before, and it turned out to be a more serious and painful sprain than her usual ones. But she didn’t have crutches yet (hard to find in a child’s size) or a boot or other ankle protection and was mostly dealing by hopping around.

Jess felt like she was in good enough shape to go to her friend’s birthday party, but when she came home, she was in tears. A few of the kids had accidentally kicked her ankle, and she herself had bumped it on furniture.

Jess’s injury had been giving her pain, but at a level that was low enough that she felt like she could power through and meet her social obligations.*

But then her injury got bumped. Multiple times. And each time, her pain flared up and became too much for her to function. In the end, she came home exhausted and in tears.

Same thing with Mother’s Day. A person’s pain might be present, but at a level that allows them to function. But then a Mother’s Day email or ad shows up and it’s like having your injured ankle kicked. Suddenly, you’re in a lot of pain and it’s hard to think about anything else.

If a walking boot for an injured ankle isn’t coddling, then why is opting out of some emails?

So a scientific analysis leads us to these conclusions:

Mother’s Day is genuinely painful for a whole lot of people, and for a bunch of different reasons.

Coddle is a negative way to frame the situation of opting out of painful emails. You could also frame it as avoiding further injury.

On the one hand, this should be easy enough to explain to someone.

On the other hand, there is an excellent chance this scientific analysis won’t be enough to change the reader’s boyfriend’s mind.

Honestly, some people out there just want other people to suffer. Key here is other people.

We’ve all seen it. It’s a real thing. And one that seems to get amplified during American presidential election years.

Here is what I recommend. If it was me, after explaining the science, I would ask that boyfriend directly:

“Do you think there are people who deserve to suffer? Who deserve pain? And who should be forced to be reminded of that pain?

Who are those people? And why do you think they deserve it?”

His answers should give a sense of just how strong his Empathy Deficit Disorder is. And demonstrate if he is someone who merits you expending your mental energy and emotional labor.

* People raised as female, you can see that it starts early.

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