Be the bigger person
Sharon learns that her husband has been cheating on her with her own sister —and now her sister is pregnant. Her parents tell Sharon that for the sake of the family, and because they don’t want it to be uncomfortable for holidays and gatherings, she needs to “be the bigger person.”
Jim, a software engineer in his 50s, goes to HR to report unpleasant comments his teammates are making. They call him “grandpa” and sometimes respond to his suggestions with “Ok, Boomer!” (And he’s actually Gen X!) The HR rep tells him, “You need to be the bigger person here. They’re just immature.”
Keiko goes to her manager to get advice on how to deal with Jake. He consistently talks over her in meetings, takes credit for her work, and sometimes doesn’t give her his project contributions on time. What’s more, when she brought up these issues with him, he lashed out at her and called her “hypersensitive” and asked if it was “that time of the month.” Her manager says, “Yeah, Jake is a little rough around the edges, but he’s a good guy and does good work. I’m just going to ask you to be the bigger person on this one.”
Photo of the Coir Rope Doormat sold by Food52
Sharon, Jim, and Keiko all feel angry, frustrated, and betrayed. Because instead of being sympathized with and helped, they’re now dealing with injury piled on injury.
Injury 1: They were treated badly by people who were supposed to be on their team. Metaphorically for Sharon, and literally for Jim and Keiko.
Injury 2: A third party tells them that their injuries don’t matter. That they don’t deserve to have their problems fixed. And that the person behaving badly and injuring them shouldn’t be expected to change —and won’t be asked to change.
“Be the bigger person” is an example of a linguistic distortion I call softening language.
Softening language presents problematic behavior as appropriate and acceptable.The people behaving badly are presented as if their behavior is ok. In my book, I give some common examples of softening language at work:
• “That’s just how they are.”
• “He’s just really friendly.”
• “Don’t take it personally. She didn’t mean it that way.”
• “He’s actually a good guy.”
• “It’s not a big deal. I think you’re being too sensitive here.”
Especially when combined with inflating language, softening language is used to control or dismiss people who are pointing out problems or asking for abuse or bias to be addressed and resolved. Sharon, Jim, and Keiko are not in the power position.
Sharon is not the pregnant daughter and will not provide the first grandchild. Jim is older than most of his colleagues and is disrespected due to ageism. And as a Japanese woman, Keiko is treated with bias due to her gender, her race, and her immigrant status.
Because they aren’t in the power position, they are told that it is their job to switch their behavior. To stop complaining or asking for things to be made right.
Photo by Cottonbro / Pexels
Who should change their behavior?
1. The person causing harm? Creating injuries? Lowering trust? Making it hard to work together and be productive? Or,
2. The person who is reporting the harm and asking for assistance to make things right?
It seems obvious that the person who should change their behavior is #1, right? The one causing harm.
But with “be the bigger person” and other kinds of softening language, what happens again and again is that the target, the victim, the person reporting the harm is asked to change.
To shut up and take it. To not set up and defend healthy boundaries. To not push for change.
This distortion and burden shift lead to negative outcomes. Sharon will probably never talk to her sister or parents again. Jim and Keiko may stop putting in so much effort, switch teams, or leave the company altogether.
Don’t ask someone to be a doormat and just accept the abuse that is being piled on them.
A person who is being harmed has the right to ask for that harm to stop and for damage to be repaired. To speak forcefully, and to use accurate language that points the finger of blame in the right direction.
Even if it makes some people uncomfortable.
Linguistic distortions protect the wrong people and punish the wrong people. So let’s call them out when we see them and ask people to do better.
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